Anonymous said: I love your blog. It is especially poignant for someone like me who has not yet come to terms with my sexuality. I guess I know that I am gay, but there is still a really strong part of them that thinks I could be content with a woman. I have never had sex so, I guess I don't really know how realistic this is, but ostensibly plenty of gay men have been successful in living perfectly contented if not entirely fulfilled lives.
I guess the problem I face is that if I did come out I cannot imagine my homosexuality being such a big part of my identity. I am a musician, a student, an amateur philosopher, a lover of food and cooking, a math and science enthusiast, who happens to be attracted to men. My great desire in life is to have nuclear family and certainly I know I would have to give up my desire to have biological children with my partner. I can sum it up by saying that I find gay pride parades and everything they represent to be incredibly offensive. I don't want to be part of a group of people who represent themselves by walking around in public in their underwear often with pornographic film studios joining on their own floats.
My question is how do I navigate this as I try to come to terms with my sexuality. How can you be "normal" and homosexual, when it seems that everyone both outside and among gays views being gay as making you fundamentally different?
It took me a little bit of time to respond to this, because I wanted to think it over.
The simple answer:
Don’t judge yourself against others to validate what you are feeling.
The long answer:
It’s very true that we could biologically be with someone of the opposite gender and live with them and have families, but do you really think it would be fair to your partner, that you’re only using them so that you can live a “normal” life. I don’t think that would be fair to you, or to your partner.
I think you are experiencing a bout of internal homophobia. Think about it this way, group of guys and girls, all straight, go out and get drunk and act like asses, and end up having sex with each other. Do you think that they represent ALL straight people? No, that is simply a slice of what the straight community has to offer.
You don’t want your homosexuality to define you, then don’t let it. As you said, “I am a musician, a student, an amateur philosopher, a lover of food and cooking, a math and science enthusiast, who happens to be attracted to men.” Good, then be that guy! There are plenty of gays out there that are just “regular looking people”, and in truth, that’s all that we are. Regular people. Being gay isn’t some kind of awesome power or an extra head or something, so don’t treat it as such.
As for Pride Parades, yeah it is true, some of the floats can get a little “off color”, but that’s the beauty of a PP, they embrace everything in the culture of homosexuality. It would not be a parade of acceptance, if you were only invited if you fit one type of mold and nothing else.
Your idea of a “normal” homosexual is kind of ignorant. I don’t say that to be mean, but normal is relative to whoever is looking. What you see as a normal couple living together, others might see godless heathens who are living together out of wedlock.
You are different. Some people hate science and math, or don’t like to cook. I sure there are things that you like, that other people hate. You are a human. Live your life based on what makes you happy. Do not let someone tell you that you are wrong just because you are not the same as they are, because they are most likely different from someone else.
If you have any more questions, don’t be afraid to ask.